The Blarglr

I hate most Christmas music. This probably doesn’t surprise people who know me; my high levels of Grinchitude are well-documented. My hatred for this music actually doesn’t have anything to do with religion, though, and has very little to do with the worldwide lie we’ve all apparently agreed to tell to children about a creepy old man who watches them and rewards their good behavior by racking up their parents’ credit card debt. It has much more to do with hating shitty music, and hating hearing it everywhere I go for a good quarter of the year.

Instead of just taking easy shots at bad music, though, I’ve decided to help you all Be Better at Christmas with this handy guide to what you should be playing. And although we are fewer than twelve days from J-Day, there are twelve of them.

1) Don’t play “Away in a Manger.” The tunes (both of them) are boring, and the lyrics are cloying. It’s clearly a children’s song along the same lines as “Jesus Loves Me.” Instead, play “Coventry Carol.” It’s also a traditional, lullaby-style carol adoring the baby Jesus. But it focuses on the fact that Jesus’s life is in danger rather than on lowing cattle, and it’s freaking beautiful.

2) Don’t play “Jingle Bells.” In addition to just being way overdone and over-parodied, it’s a pretty stupid song about people falling out of a sleigh. Instead, play “Sleigh Ride,” especially the instrumental version with the horse noises and the fun horn parts. Like “Jingle Bells,” it was not originally a Christmas song but has been co-opted—“Jingle Bells” was a Thanksgiving song, and the party referred to in the lyrics of “Sleigh Ride” is a birthday party—but it’s much more interesting musically while still being a fun, upbeat song about horse-drawn vehicles.

3) Don’t play “Santa Baby.” I get that the over-the-top materialism of this song is supposed to be tongue-in-cheek, but it frequently doesn’t come across that way. Plus, anything that sexualizes Santa Claus and/or is sung in Baby Voice™ is kinda gross. Instead, play “Good King Wenceslas” and get into the true spirit of the holiday. “Therefore Christian men be sure, wealth or rank possessing, ye who now will bless the poor shall yourselves find blessing.” Isn’t that nice? Plus the version I attached is sung by rowdy Irish lads.

4) Speaking of gross, don’t play “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” It’s basically a song about rape. No one should ever play it, ever. The line that sticks out to me and I think anyone who actually listens to the lyrics is “Say, what’s in this drink?” This is clearly the moment when the woman realizes she’s been roofied. If you’d like a happier, less-predatory song about Christmas food and drink, you should instead play “We Wish You a Merry Christmas.” And find a good rousing version that does all the verses, so you get the belligerent demands for figgy pudding from people who won’t leave till they get some.

5) Speaking of the Muppets, don’t play any version of any “Jingle Bell Rock” other than this one. I mean, why would you?

6) Don’t play “Oh Christmas Tree/O Tannenbaum.” The tune is really boring and repetitive. Not to mention the fact that the lyrics are all about how the evergreen tree is green all year round, so why are you singing this about a tree you’ve chopped down and will abandon at the side of the road all brown and sad in early January? Instead, play “The Holly and the Ivy.” It too is about festive wintertime plants that have been borrowed from pagan rituals by Christians, but its tune is light and lovely instead of dirge-like.

7) Don’t play “The Little Drummer Boy.” It has about seventy-five verses, and, like “Oh Christmas Tree,” proceeds at a funereal pace. Instead, play “Carol of the Bells.” It’s also a song about musical instruments, but ding dong ding dong beats pa rum pum pum pum any day. And the version I attached is played on iPhone Ocarina. Beat that, drummer boy.

8) Speaking of ding dong ding dong, don’t play “Angels We Have Heard on High.” The only thing that separates this from any other formulaic church hymn is the glorias, and even those aren’t so hot in this song. If you want a song with some solid gloria in excelsis deo, instead play “Ding Dong Merrily on High.” The chorus is as fun for altos as it is for sopranos, and you get to sing “swungen” and “sungen,” which are archaic verb forms of “to swing” and “to sing.” Who doesn’t love archaic verbs?

9 and 10) Don’t play “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” or “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” especially the Jackson 5 versions. I normally like the Jackson 5, but in these songs poor Michael sings at the absolute screechiest high end of his range and it makes my ears bleed. Plus “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” is basically Kids Say the Darndest Things set to music, and if you don’t enjoy that kind of humor the whole thing is eye-roll inducing. And this version of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” (along with many other covers) changes the rhythm from the straightforward one of the kids’ tune (san-ta-claus-is-com-ING… to town) to a motowned version that attacks you at the start of that line (SAN!-ta-claus-is-com-in-to-town! Oh yeah!) and then repeats it way too many times. Instead of this aural assault, you should instead play “The Hallelujah Chorus” or The Nutcracker for some calming Christmas dignity. Plus, if you are Of a Certain Age, parts of The Nutcracker will remind you of Tetris.

11) Don’t play “Last Christmas.” The only people who can get away with repeating the word “special” that many times are The Pretenders. Instead, play “River.” It, too, is really a love song that happens to be set at Christmas time, but unlike “Last Christmas” it’s not by Wham!, and that should be reason enough.

12) Don’t play “Wonderful Christmastime.” It’s inane. It sounds like it was written by someone with brain damage. Instead, play “Happy Xmas (War is Over),” by someone who went on to write good songs after the Beatles broke up.

Happy holidays, everyone. War is over if you want it.